“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
You Might Also Like
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .