I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Same pineapple, same
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Sex so good you see dead people.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.