My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.