A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed