Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Yes, this is exactly right
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June