I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
taking June’s advice to heart
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.