My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
True
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂