I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
You Might Also Like
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.