There is no “ea” in Tim.
You Might Also Like
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Yoga Matt
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.