I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters