Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.