My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Denise please return my vape pen
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all