alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
You Might Also Like
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Kermit goes Blue.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.