I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes