My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…