Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.