I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.