My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
this could fix me
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
E
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.