Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.