Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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absolutely not
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no