There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.