Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
This guy gets it.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.