Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
He a real one for that
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?