My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.