[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman