Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.