$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*