me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.