Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
How about daylight saves us for once
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
the only organized thing in my life is crime