People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I’m giving up for Lent.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
They’re really bad with fonts.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”