[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
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I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
If only.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
This 4th of July, please remember…
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A