[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)