Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?