The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
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I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
this country is so goddamn polarized
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?