I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Hey I worked for it too!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
💁🏻♂️
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly