“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.