Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
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Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?