ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!