run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
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I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?