who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Never forget.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes