Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Body by sandwich.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.