Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
hackers play passwordle
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.