Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.