being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
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If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
BaD BoY!!
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: