If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
calling in to work dehydrated
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined