Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]