“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm