Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.