Kidney stones? Hard pass
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shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.