[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.